Archive for the ‘Family’ Category

Hazel

August 27, 2008

 The hardest part about filling this space every week (more or less) is settling upon a topic.  As by now must be abundantly clear, my peculiar combination of a short attention span and compulsive ideation make for a very cluttered radar screen.  Lots and lots of targets.

  Not this week though.  Wife is gone.  For a month.  Woe is me.

  Son Andrew is around for a fortnight or so which is certainly wonderful.  We don’t waste much time cleaning the house or sorting laundry or making beds and often urinate off of the deck in between flippin’ the burgers.  Dude, pass the remote…

  But when it comes time to retire to the couch in our bedroom at the end of the day, to read the paper and watch the news a bit before turning in, I miss her.  If there’s a center to our universe, that’s it. 

  There commenced the series of events leading to the arrival of three new souls onto this planet.  It’s there that we’d recapitulate teacher conferences and discuss what we’d learned.  There we’d think about the coming summer and whether it’d be travel by canoe or backpack.  Or just what plan to hatch the next weekend.

  But more than anything, sitting there during the last moments of each day we re-synch our gears.  Every day for thirty-one years.  Thirty-one years today!

  We met in kindergarten, but my first vivid memory is from the sixth grade.  We were studying South America in Mrs. Patterson’s class and Sally volunteered that there was good skiing in Chile.  How she knew I don’t know, but I was impressed.  I asked her out to Fun Night, but she’d been invited to a sleepover at a friend’s house.

  The friend lived next to my grandmother so I invited myself over and was obnoxious.  I ignited a flare I’d found by some railroad tracks and dripped molten magnesium all over her sleeping bag.  Not good.

  Later, during an early ‘70s spring break we were sitting on a beach watching a sunset when she turned away and asked what color her eyes were.  I’d already known her for many years, but didn’t get the answer right.  Worse.

  My excuse for these and innumerable other inexcusables is that from the beginning I’ve been spellbound by not so much the physical package (incredible though it may be) but her sparkle, her verve, her zest for life.  And all of that has only grown richer.  I very lucky boy.

  Some believe that a pair can traverse many lifetimes together. You live a life, die, are reborn, and find each other all over again.  Time comes I’ll never stop looking.  But I figure if I work hard enough at noticing stuff now maybe I won’t have to wait till kindergarten next time.

Las Animas

August 15, 2008

  In the 8/10/08 NYT there was an article about the recent tragedy on K2 titled: “Does Climbing Matter Anymore”?  Tragedy it certainly would have been if just one had perished let alone eleven, but only a couch potato would ask that question.  It is actually more of a koan and the answer is the Louis Armstrong response to the ‘what is jazz’ question:  “if you have to ask, you’ll never know”.

  Commercial endeavors (a big and growing) aside, adventurers know what they’re getting into and do so with purpose and resolve.  No matter if it’s the Himalaya or an unnamed wood, they understand that there is grave existential peril in a comfy slouch.  

  For some reason, the piece brought to mind a trip taken many years ago…

  We were headed, by narrow gauge rail, toward the Chicago Basin at the head of Needle Creek in Colorado’s San Juan Mountains.  Our car was several back from the engine, but even so, its spewing plume made me feel like an erstwhile citizen of Herculaneum.  I could not understand how my wife and kids were not bothered and instead hopped from side to side describing the scenery with ebullience.

  The angular bits of coal dust soon floating across my cornea triggered not exactly a pain response, nor diverting anticipatory thoughts of the wilderness that we had barely entered, but instead memories of recent car troubles, problems at the office back home, and dinner the last night in Aspen.  Why had we left?

  El Rio de Las Animas Perditas, the river along which the rails mostly traveled, was far below yet beckoned hypnotically.  I sank into my seat resignedly to obsess and await what might lay before.

  Just as I entered the state between wakefulness and sleep, the train stopped at the ghost town of Needleton which lies approximately midway between the railroad’s eponymous northern and southern terminuses; Silverton and Durango.  We jumped out, hustled back to the boxcar to retrieve our backpacks, and watched the train depart and disappear.

  The steep ten mile hike up along Needle Creek was in a word, brutal, but at least my thought pattern began to make sense.  I was again in the wilderness with my family.  Did we have the right stuff?  Would we be safe?  Would we have fun?

  Well not right off. First, cartographic aphasia led to several wrong turns, a trip to the top of a pile of rubble some distance from the day’s goal, and hours lost.  Then the water pump/purifier performed poorly and during attempted remediation an o-ring popped into the stream.  Finally, it rained intermittently during the hike up and through the night.  One of our tents leaked and all five of us spent the first night huddled together in the other – a few with pre-oedemic headaches.   

  Nonetheless next morning the pervasive beauty began at least to inflect my cortical cramping.  We set out to hike yet higher and reached a pair of lakes at about 12,000 feet.  There were of course no trees, little vegetation, and the water virtually sterile due to its hibernal solidity.

  The surface upon which our vibram almost squeaked had been polished smooth by the icy meniscus’ expansive ancestors and was ensconced high up in and surrounded by the castellated rim of the cirque.  The air was still, though laden with the smell of brimstone and the sounds of the neophyte creek.  Sally and I watched our three children silently stepping from rock to rock as if in performance of some Shinto rite.

  It is amazing – the grandeur of the infinite – that with which one becomes suffused in an area so devoid of life’s layers.  Wondering about how that sort of stark emptiness could be so fulfilling, so sort of spiritually tumescent, I recalled a proposition of physics which as written by one Alan Wallace has it that: “there is more energy in a cubic yard of empty space than in all the matter of the known universe”.  It must be that energy which has led native peoples around the globe to impute magic and divinity to such purlieus.

  After further exploration and a bit of rest we decided to move our camp down valley from whence to find a seldom visited lake about which we’d somehow heard.  Why it held allure I’ll never be certain.  There was no trail marked on the map and our guidebook described its approach as steep, indistinct, discontinuous, and treacherous.

  Indeed, though we were amazed at the myriad flora, fauna, and signs of men long gone that we had missed on the way in, we could not even determine which drainage would lead up to the darn place.

  Frustrated my group became as we covered the same steep mile several times in search of both some sort of indication of previous trail bifurcation as well as simply a way to cross the now adolescent torrent.  Our only encouragement was an animated description of hidden beauty by some wild eyed sacerdote.

  Our persistence was soon rewarded when another stranger offered assistance.  This one, a local fishing guide, showed us where to cross and described in general (the nature of the mountainside did not lend itself to detail) the way to the lake which was several thousand feet up and over a subtle ridge replete with turrets, hidden streams, and it was true – no real trail.

  “Purty well hid” he said looking upwardly as he twirled his mustache.  “Awful purty though; awful purty.”  In parting, he blew a wad of tobacco juice across the trail in front of us.

  The next morning we started up through the trees as directed.  They were dripping wet and seemed more like a forest of kelp.  After an hour or so of bushwhacking and log hopping, vestiges of the old miner’s trail did appear.  It was discontinuous – segments averaged about 100 yards in length – but we soon found ourselves able to follow it quite well by naturally filling in the blanks and being aware of the degree of arc and slope of a stretch, interpolating, and allowing reawakened internal guidance to lead us to the next short section.

  Occasionally, the way disappeared completely for quite some distance having been wiped out by landslide or avalanche and overgrown.  We would then build a little cairn at the breakpoint as we dropped into each new bit of destruction we had to cross to reach more virgin wood.

  More serious were the hazards created a bit past the more or less halfway point as the ridge’s rocky ossature began to protrude.  Mossy cliff edges were hard to identify due to the soft lighting and surrounding mist.  Fortunately, their position had been fixed in our minds while scanning the terrain the previous afternoon.

  As we rose, clouds obscured our view of the valley below and Mt. Eolus and subsidiary peaks to the north.  Once though, during a brief respite and snack, a hole appeared through which we watched massive disembodied blocks of orange granite seem to float in space.

  By the middle of the afternoon, light could be seen through the trees above.  Negotiation of a broken dark cliff band led to the top of the ridge, but not yet quite to our destination.  An old path led first to a absolutely still shallow tarn by which we sat briefly to watch trout dart back and forth with their dorsal fins protruding above the surface.  The glistening triangles were interesting counterpoint to the similar shapes on the far horizon.

  Our lake rested in a peneplain one hundred yards to the south and was larger than we had expected; several acres or so.  Behind and around it sloped a meadow resplendent in yellow and green which itself was collared by a rolling monadnock.  Its highest point looked like a turtle’s head beginning to emerge from the folds of its neck.

  As we approached, the clouds parted allowing the sun to set our wet garb steaming and reveal the lake’s luminescence as well as transmute the meadow into its almost iridescent apprentice.  It is in such a place, upon such a surface that Tibetan Lamas trek to read the names of the future.

  We looked in and saw ourselves.  Needed sunglasses.  The kids scurried around the edge for about half an hour while Sally and I watched and wrung out.  They first clambered around bone bleached piles of tailings and then continued around the lake, in birth order, toward a position opposite us.

  Their animations were uncharacteristically subdued and we speculated about the nature of their conversation.  I will forever hear the soft tones of their voices lilting across the invisible surface barely discernible from the sound of the gently falling water nearer to us.

  The clouds eventually drew back together reminding us that we were ill prepared for a night at 12,000 feet and serving effective notice that one must not long tarry in such a place lest the right of return be forsaken.

  Our descent was pure, clean, and mostly silent.  We had little trouble finding our way even though, if anything, the air grew more murky.  The cairns led us across the desolation zones and in between those we discovered keloid scars left by miners on the uphill sides of trees for unenlightened colleagues.

  Needleton was thriving the next afternoon with others in wait of a ride back to Durango.  Abigail flagged down the beast as it approached puffing and belching.

  We threw our gear into the boxcar and slowly climbed on board without a look back.  Pilgrims.

“Oh yeah? The fruit of my loins can beat the fruit of your loins any day of the week” – Homer Simpson

August 1, 2008

Back to work next week…

Dang, I guess that makes me a rainmaker…

June 27, 2008

  Amazing.  After just having remarked about what a great magazine is the Economist, the very next issue carried a short bit about my father’s first cousin!  The interview was shorter than a haiku, but cool just the same. 

  It had to do with the terrible flooding here in Iowa.  “Surveying his farm [with the reporter, he] saw glistening pools where corn stalks should have been.  Where the water had receded the earth was muddy, dotted by feeble plants.  ‘I consider us lucky’…  Much of his farm has survived.  Others have seen their land almost totally submerged.” 

  When I called out to ask if he was signing autographs, his wife answered and paused at first.  She hadn’t seen the article.  But, someone had called from town a few days back and asked if it’d be ok for a reporter from NYC to stop out…  

  They’d agreed to help, but with some concern.  They’d been interviewed before about life on the farm and the experience had done little but reinforce their innate reticence.  One’s life should speak for itself. 

  I read the bit to her.  She said they had been lucky, that the Lord had always been good to them. 

  Doesn’t all that make you wish your were a farmer? Had an intimate and interactive relationship with the earth?  No BS, no whining, no spray, no bling. 

  Reminds me of a poem (and source of the name of this little digital acreage): 

Subtle Signs

by Michael Carey – from his book The Noise The Earth Makes 

Although they had worked for days
hardly a word was spoken between them –
just hand gestures and a waving
of arms.  From tractor to truck,
from hillside to house,
these said what was needed.
 
His father, once, had called his uncle
a “terrible talker.”  he knew, now, what
he meant; that sometimes over dinner
and beer, Uncle Al found a use
for words, making them dance
around the pudding and cranberry sauce
and fall down upon them
like a crazy invisible rain.
 
Helping his father and brother with harvest,
he learned to read the subtle
signs in the subtle landscape:
how nature speaks to those who listen,
and those who listen when she speaks
hardly speak at all.

Also just like last time, I am reminded of something Patagonia founder Yvon Chouinard once said: 

“You don’t see farmers as climbers.  You see city people.  Farmers don’t need to climb”

And I thought it was because I am a Gemini…

June 20, 2008

  Awesome!  The Economist is such a great magazine!  I just learned from reading the current issue (June 14 – 20 ) why my attention span is so short.  Ahem.  Among other things.

  It’s about attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder.  Those with ADHD are impulsive.  They “have trouble concentrating on any task…they flit from activity to activity… tend to perform poorly in society [and] are prone to addictive and compulsive behavior”.  C’est moi!  Yo comprendo!

  Turns out I owe my restlessness to nomadic ancestors.

  Testing has shown that ADHD is a genetic condition. “It is associated with particular variants of receptor molecules for neurotransmitters in the brain”.  Variant 7R of protein DRD4 has been shown to be associated with “novelty seeking, food and drug craving, and ADHD”.

  The neurotransmitter here is dopamine which, as you may know, is associated with reward and pleasure.  The thought is that people with ADHD are getting hits of dopamine (aka positive feedback) for behavior that seems inappropriate in today’s society.

  How could this have come to be?  Well, we’ve not long been desk jockeys and the sorts of things associated with ADHD might have well served our nomad and hunter-gatherer ancestors.  Couch potatoes would not have fared well, would they?

  Recent research in Kenya supports this hypothesis.  The Ariaal people are historically nomadic.  Those now among them with the variant receptor and who continue to wander were found to be “better nourished” than those without.  By interesting contrast, those members of the group that had the variant but had settled down were worse than those without.

  A further question is why, if important, the variant is found only amongst 20% of the population.  Could be that the “effects are beneficial only when they are not universal”. 

  I buy that.  Somebody’s got to poke sticks at snakes and do the peyote ceremonies etc while the rest keep the fire burning. And the latter would tolerate the presence of the former for only the briefest of intervals – eg long enough to drop off the day’s catch.

  I’ve always felt like the odd one out.  Now I understand.  Everybody else is missing a gear. 

(For some reason, this reminds me of something that Patagonia founder Yvon Chouinard said in an interview that appears in the June/July issue of Businessweek Small Biz:  “My favorite quote about entrepreneurship is that to understand an entrepreneur, you should study a juvenile delinquent”.)

Please Don’t Let My Wife See This

May 9, 2008

  Dandelions are beautiful.  If it was only with effort that they could be seen, like edelweiss in high alpine meadows, there’d be songs about them and they’d be the national flower of someplace.

  The yellow tuft is a glorious early bit of spring and offers an earnest greeting to those receptive to it.  What kind of a black heart does not smile at the sight after a long and cold winter?

  Dense green homogeneity as the suburban standard is but the latest installment of our tribe’s misguided quest for control.  The “Enlightenment” as manifest in the gardens of Versailles has now devolved into the verdant compulsion of Middle America.

  With a lot of work and fertilizer,   bluegrass, fescue, and rye can be made to sit still and stay from May through September.  Nice carpet of green in the foreground for dogs and kids to stay off of.

  Dandelions show up on their own early and often.  They need no care and establish themselves quite tenaciously. Their taproot makes one wonder how the description “grass roots” came not to mean weak or ephemeral. The obvious part of their life cycle is compressed and its end even more bothersome to the fastidious. 

  But have you ever (since you were a kid?) closely examined one of those white spheres (“clocks”) of a mature flower head?  Then blown on one?  It’s an incredible effusion of joy.  A transmigration.  It fills me with the same sort of wonder as a gaze into the sea or a star lit night.

  Then look closely at one of the tiny fruits suspended from its parachute.  They float along swaying gently to-and-fro until their path is blocked, the fruit separates from its chute, and the whole thing begins again.  Sometimes if a dispersal is blocked before it has a chance to travel far and spread out, the parachutes are shook free of their loads and coalesce into something just this side of the emperor’s new clothes.

  Product of evolution, but a miracle all the same.

  The evolution of the name parallels the evolution of its place in our consciousness.  Early on in French it was called “dent de lion” or tooth of a lion for the shape of its leaves – which can be used in a salad or made into soup.  In modern French it is a “pissenlit” meaning, uh, urinate in bed.  This is due to the diuretic nature of the aforementioned courses of a meal. 

  That’s what we get for leaving the garden. 

  Dang it Eve – you mow.

Everybody’s Gonna Go Sometime

April 19, 2008

At that last moment

Her eyes were blue as the sky

As deep as the sea

Spare The Rod!

March 28, 2008

    Researchers once took newborn monkeys from their mothers and raised them to maturity – away from other members of their species.  These distant cousins of ours went stark, raving, mad.  Upon rejoining their troop, they would fight, bite, and couldn’t even copulate normally. 

  Only humans could dream up this sort of experiment and what’s worse – visit equal cruelty upon their own children.  Child psychologist Alice Miller has written much about early injury and its ramifications and repercussions.    

  Miller holds that neglect and abuse were at the core of Hitler’s psyche. (He among countless other monsters large and small) Crucially though, she also says that a child needs only to connect solidly with one healthy adult to avoid horror.  Might not make it to Disneyland, but neither to the bunker at Berchtesgaden.

  Perhaps the evolution of consciousness has thus far been skewed or uneven.  The brain is one high powered organ out of the control of most owners. Lots of spare capacity. Lots of shooting stars bound to constellate.  Painful episodes in early childhood might not easily be brought to later awareness, but will, at a minimum, inflect all succeeding years.

  Likewise compassion.  In The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness, Edward Hallowell MD writes: “There’s a lot you can do to promote happiness, and there’s a lot you can do to retard it as well…  Unconditional love is the best inoculation you will ever get, and what does it inoculate against – despair”.

  Either way, remember, it gets hardwired in courtesy of neuronal selection.  And just like any other wire bundle, it is so much sweeter to get it right on the first go.

  Pop Quiz: What does “Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child” mean to you?

Raise Your Hand If You Like To be Told That You’re Stupid

March 21, 2008

   A study published in 1993 questioned why some gifted children nurture their talent all through their teenage years while many let it whither.  The insights hold meaning for all.   Researchers had teachers in a highly regarded suburban high school identify freshman students with high degrees of natural talent in one or more of the following areas: math, science, music, athletics, and art. 

   Those selected who then agreed to participate were followed throughout their high school career by means of the “beeper method”.  They’d carry a beeper and whenever it was activated by a researcher would complete a questionnaire asking about time, place, activity, mood, feelings, environment, level of satisfaction, etc.  After graduation, their records of achievement were evaluated and conclusions drawn.

   Several factors were found to be associated with the successful development of talent. First, children must simply be recognized as talented.  Talented kids can concentrate, but also are open to new experiences.  They are less inclined to just socialize than pursue some sort of meaningful activity; they spent more time alone.  They are sexually conservative. 

  Their families provide both support and challenge.  They like best teachers who were “supportive and modeled enjoyment”.  They found both expressive and instrumental rewards in their activities; that is they enjoyed creative opportunities while tracking future goals.  Talent will be developed if it provides “optimal experiences – flow” ie if it occasions the sorts of experiences in which one loses track of time.

  Finally, the researchers emphasized their observation that “psychological complexity (is) the organizing principle”.  The opposing forces at work within and among the factors listed above create the cohering whole.

  Read the book. Even though written fifteen years ago, it’s still enlightening.  Brains haven’t changed.  Talented Teenagers, Csikszentmihalyi, Rathunde, Whalen, Cambridge University Press, 1993.

Postscript: To the surprise of the researchers, the “Talented Teens” did spend a modest amount of time in front of the tube.  Decompression, relaxation perhaps.  Clearly, they  used it instead of it using them – a practice which alone would yield quite a bit more than a head start.

PPS.  Read other books by Mr. Csikszentmihalyi.  His studies of optimal experiences are absolutely fascinating.

Ockham’s Razor Is Also Sharp

March 4, 2008

 There is a definite downside to adventure.  Several in fact.  And by adventure remember, I’m not talking about sitting against a tree by the river, eyes shut, bobber in the water, string tied to your toe, waiting for a tug.     

  I am talking about the sort of endeavor for which the south end of the learning curve yields lacerations, contusions, and confusion.  With progress, scrapes and dunkings etc get fewer and farther between and thought processes more subtle.  With time and prowess come economy of movement and cessation of thought.  And ever more dangerous situation.

  The obvious potential drawbacks are such things as death and/or dismemberment.  Gravity sucks as is said.  So does hitting a fixed object at a high rate of speed, or freezing to death, or dying of thirst, or hunger, or lack of oxygen.       

  Failing those, problems arise with a first hiatus.  Sooner or later, depending upon the nature of the interruption, experiential desire will return.  In the words of British alpinist Mo Antoine, “The rat will be fed”.  Yup, the rat can be drugged or boozed or beaten into submission, but not forever.  The sooner one makes an offering, the more the attraction of traps and poison is attenuated.       

  The most troubling problems though come with offspring.  Folks whose ideas of fun raise the hair on the necks of friends and neighbors, shouldn’t be surprised when their kids call repeatedly from the ER, or after an attack by a puma in Bolivia, or from the local pokey after a night on the town. If both parents have contributed high pain thresholds, well, hold on tight.       

  Dang.  What’s wrong with staying home?  Couch potatoes don’t get stitches.  Everything can now be undertaken virtually.  Aristotle, for one, found field work unnecessary.  He figured that everything could be worked out in one’s head.       

  No truth in virtual.  Ask Galileo.  Or climber Barry Blanchard who wrote of setting off on an adventure:  “I felt as though I was pushing at the door of a dangerous radiant, cathedral”.  That’s where will be found the metaphysics of light.